It is 3am, and I don’t remember when I last slept, don’t get me wrong , I am soooooo exhausted, but every time I lay down, there is pain my my chest and my back. It is driving me crazy. We went back to the hospital and they checked my bloods etc due to my breathing recently has become difficult. One flight of stairs and I feel like I have just done 20 mins on the treadmill. I am feeling disabled and it is challenging me.
I had my ablation last week, and they are now again concerned about the lumps on my back and hand, the day after the ablation in London, we went to Harrogate to get one of the lumps cut out to be analysed. I have also found out now that they suspect the cancer has now gone to my lungs.
I have this theory, which I have been thinking about it for a while, and a small handful will think I have finally gone mad, which I will address later in this blog, It is a challenging theory, and one which I fall off the bandwagon daily, but that’s fine, it’s getting back on which is the important factor.
It involves brushing yourself down, and just getting on with it, and trying to live with a positive frame of mind, this is easer said than done, and I know if you are not in a good place and if someone says, come on cheer up, the most gentile person would be tempted to use violence.
So, with that, only you can control this. If you are feeling down, don’t feel guilty, and don’t punish yourself, be kind, and accept that feeling is temporary and when you are ready, you will feel right soon, and if your reading this for a friend then don’t force feed them with positive affirmations, this will not work. Your friend will be back to themselves when they can, have patience, and remember, to be positive is infectious, concentrate on yourself. I don’t just mean for people with cancer too, we all can fall in that frame of mind at times.
I have now associated the smells and the sights of the hospital to feeling sick. I can be physically sick and feel ill before chemo. Many a time I have been doubled up in the multi-story car park in St. James before I even get to the chemo ward. If my thoughts can make me so ill, and have the power to make me sick, then I wonder if I can do the opposite. I wonder if I can make my thoughts make me feel better?
When you get told you have cancer, for me it was important is how i reacted to that news. At the start I tried to work as much as the chemo and cancer would allow me to, with my job at o2 and at my own business. At times I have felt exhausted, and cancer and chemo has taken my ability away to do what I wanted to. But, throughout this journey I have always planned for a positive future.
There is a reason behind this.
I read a self help book which I know I have mentioned in my blog before. There is a part of the book that explains the advice from a racing driver. He said something like – if you ever get in a scid and you find ourself heading towards the crash barriers. The best way to get out of that scid and not crash is don’t look at where you are about to hit, look at where you are trying to go.
That is how I have tried to live the past four and a half years. I don’t think I have written about this subject before but it is one that interest me.
If your body won’t allow you to do that, then change direction slightly and do what your body will allow, just try and find a happy place.
For me, I don’t like bucket lists! A list of things you want to do before you die. What happens when you get to complete that list? You die! personally I prefer a never ending list of things that simply make you happy, and accomplishments that create the same mood. Surly we all, whatever our health is should have a list like that.
So, is this the time of YOUR life? It’s hard to try and take a step back at times and see what life should be about with all its discractions. If you are reading this, whatever age, or your health, you are alive and so THIS IS YOUR TIME, use it to the best you can.
Cancer Research U.K. Gave a £308,000 grant with a £95,000 grant from the NHS to pay for a trial to see if positive thinking can change direction of the growth of the disease.
There as been a study at Carnegie Mellon University http://journals.lww.com/psychosomaticmedicine/pages/default.aspx
That took 193 healthy volunteers and given them nasal drops that contain a cold or flu.
The participants where assessed for there emotional state – and did they tent to experience positive or negative states.
The participants started to develop signs of infection, and some poor sod had the job to collect all the tissuess and then weigh the mucous!
The results where that the participants who where more positive produced less mucus, less sick and less overall symptoms.
There are so many things that for some, miraculously cured cancer, everything from Canabis oil to diet, which make me think, is it the items or acts that cure or the belief that it will.
Is it possible to create a belief system that will not only change your thought process but also your biology? To put it in layman terms, can you at least slow cancer down simply by thought – and if so, how? and if the power of positive thought is that strong, then in what other areas of our lives can it effect?
All the people that have helped me in the past few years to be able to have the chance to still be alive.
The people that wish me well via this blog.
o2 and my Heathcare.
All the surgeons that have operated on me.
All the nurses that have spent time on me and cared and became my friends.
The whole of the NHS.
The people at the charities that have passed information and helped.
My family who have done the things for me, that I was unable to do for myself and helped to make this journey more bearable.
My friends who have picked me up, put a brave smile and who have stud solidly by me thoroughout it all and helped me laugh again, even when I have been unable to give the same back,
and my partner who never signed up for anything like this, and only in his 30s, but still he stood strong by me, which has made me stronger.
It is only fair to make it worth it to all the people above and I will try my best and squeeze every bit of life and grow from the whole experience, I am very very grateful.
As I wrote earlier, a small few may think I have gone mad! It has taken a number of operations, 36 rounds of chemo, 5 lots of cancer, and he has finally lost it. Well, I have also learnt not to let others thoughts stop you doing what you want to do. It’s taken me 43 years to learn that! That’s a lesson I highly recommend. But as I see it, we are all here on Earth for a very limited amount of time, it only makes sense to try and make that time full of joy, as much as you can, whatever the situation.
The following is from a book by Richard Bach, he puts it far better than I can.
“…It’s all good training, and you’ll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind. Take your dying with some seriousness, however laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, and they’ll call you crazy.”
Next In my blog, I will write about trying to challenge the darkest of times, and standing up to adversity that life sometimes throws at us with a big two fingered salute and a smile. If you want to see how, click follow at the bottom of the page.
I will be looking into and experiencing forms of meditation, also using creative writing to put my thoughts on the right path, using what we learn as a child and experiencing play but as an adult, and putting myself in a situation where I have the opportunity to achieve.
And if you still think I’m crazy, then here is some light reading links below.
Meanwhile, it is now 3.45am, and I am going to try and sleep.
Thank you you for reading. X
Cancer patients in positive thinking trial (Daily mail)
Do Positive People Live Longer? (Huffington post)
Happy Brain, Happy Life – Psychology today