It has been a difficult time.
I woke up, at home, during the night, and I knew we had to call the ambulance. We do have a car and we could have drove in, but something was telling me we needed to add more emergency to the situation.
I am unable to tell you what happened or what was happing. But if I am honest, I thought I was on my way out there and then.
When cancer grows it seems that the pain killers like morphine act in a different way and I could have overdosed on morphine.
There was a lot more happing than that, my body as swelled, my legs are massive and I am now unable to walk or stand.
The doctors and nurses where amazing, yet again. I don’t want to embarrass anyone but a friend of mine who I have met during this experience and who is a nurse, came in to the hospital room and leave croissant each morning for us.
For me the reassurance was when the doctor said they wanted to put a semi-permanent drain on my liver. I thought if there where doing this then they have not given up on me, so I should not give up on myself.
The night before the small surgery I decided to catch up on the news, and I saw what has been happening in Manchester. I could not take it in. I had to turn the TV off.
The morning after the doctors and nurses, yet again, showed me there professionalism and fitted me in to an already busy schedule simply because they knew I was in pain.
Through out the day, doctors and nurses, friends and family ran around me, giving me a wall of strength around me.
That night I decided to face the TV, again, and see what had happened. A choir was singing outside Manchester Library singing Oasis song ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’
The TV showed all different types of people, all different types of religions, believes, skin colour. Getting together, and giving each other support. It showed love interweaved in a truly tragic moment, and it showed how love will always win.
Rob and myself talked about me going into a hospice instead at home. We knew I had to have more help. It was never in my plains, but I am so glad I did. I had a view of hospices, that almost mirrored an old peoples home, this viewpoint was wrong.
The hospice is unbelievable ran on 60 percent of charitable donations. If you have ever donated towards Wheatfields and Sue Ryder, I just wanted to say a very big thank you. They are REALLY looking after me. I thought a hospice was a place to spend your last final days, but they are looking at each of my problems and trying to deal with each of them.
Thank you for all your messages of support too, I haven’t been able to go though them yet, and I haven’t had the strength to see everyone yet, please bare with me on this.
I have almost been here a week now, and gradually, slowly, building myself up with a lot of help.
I feel very privileged here, while there is so much badness in the world which you can see on the news, there is also a lot of goodness which I see in the hospice and hospital simply by opening my eyes.