Well i did it! I booked what i thought was a gig, and in preparation for this, I learnt some new material, and made my way to the talent competion where the prize was two and a half grand.
It was a ‘talent competion’, now, when i turned up at the hotel where the audition was held, every bone in my body was just turn around and walk away, but for some strange reason i felt I had to do it due to it been booked in.
I knew it was not going to work, as soon as i joined the queue of two. There was a girl in her early 20s dressed as a fairy, when i asked what she was doing, she told me street dancing! I am not sure what street she was living on, her look was a cross between rainbow bright and someone on smack.
I was asked what my act was (disappearing went though my head) I told them i was trying to do a bit of comedy. The lady (who i think was the girls mother) told me that on hospital visits to her friend she had been told she always made the ward laugh, and with that started to do a improvised routine for me, I must admit, it was better than mine, and it did cross my mind to simply steel her act.
The street dancing fairy went in to the large room. I was asked to fill out some papers. The guy who gave me the documents told me that out of the 40 people in the auction i was the only comedian. I wish i had thought about this for longer than two seconds to realise that there was a very good reason for this.
He told me that he loved Mrs Browns Boys (yet another sign to run for the hills) he lead me to a old Victorian ballroom, and introduced me to the table of judges all wearing there matching branded talent competion t.shirts.
It was my turn.
There was a young child sat at the table. When i get nervous when doing comedy, i swear, and i don’t mean to provoke offence but sometimes it does give the joke more drama and makes the punchline more puncher, but I know it was probably not the right thing to do in front of a child. I explained that they maybe some swearing in my act, which i got told that if i get through to the shows, that children will be present so i wont be able to do that.
I can not tell you what happened next, its all a bit of a blur. Its hard performing comedy to a wall of silence, but its even harder performing to a wall of people looking traumatised.
I knew when the main organiser put her head in her hands, the one legged dwaf joke had not gone down that well. The more horrified they looked, the more nervous I got, the more nervous I got, the more outrageous I became. They thanked me, and said they will call on wednesday to let me know either way, and just before they quickly showed me the door, I had my photo taken, was not sure if it was to use as publicity or use as evidence.
I have wrote some jokes about cancer, and i did think at this point, i should drop them in, if they didn’t find them funny I may get the sympathy vote at least, but at the same time I was also thinking that the only one thing that could be worse about the situation i was in, is if they called me this week and said, congratulations you are through! and i would have to re-live it again!
Wednesday as been and gone, and I didn’t get a call. Due to them saying that they was going to call me either way, I am slightly concerned there still in the ballroom still frozen in a state of shock.
I walked away wondering if it was me, or if it was the jokes, or if it was them? The only way was to put myself in that situation again, but this time without children and with a audience.
So on Monday I went to Beat the frog, a gong show where the aim is to survive for 5 minutes without getting voted off by the 3 chosen audience members.
The venue was in Preston and was very busy! I went early to see if I could go on first and get the hell out of there, I then found out that the venue choose when you was on, and i was on….
at the very end!
I did nearly walk out as the acts that where on was very good! and even the ones that was voted off had stronger sets than me.
Sometimes, in social situations my face does not quite work in my favour, but for comedy! it gets me away with murder, and to be fair, I think that is what happened. I survived the 5 min ties and went on to the final, and more importantly, I enjoyed it.